I WANT TO BE A CHINA MAN!

When a thief got more than he bargained for

When I tell people that I do not like to venture into downtown Nairobi unless it is a grave matter of life and death, I am usually accused of being posh; let me set the record straight, I am not posh, I am a villager and crowds who push and shove scare the living day lights out of me. I have also been mugged several times and it is always when I am a part of a crowd, and once (or twice) beaten, twice (or thrice) shy!

One of the few times it was a matter of life and death (ok, so I exaggerate, nobody was dying really) and I had to walk to Machakos Bus Station. I was terribly tense, I did not look at anyone straight in the face and I held myself so together that my joints ached from all the tension. However, I did not fail to notice an oriental man walking infront of me with all the swagger in the world. Unlike my hubby, I cannot differentiate between a Chinese and a Japanese – so shoot me, but I digress. Because of the event that followed, I am convinced he was Chinese.

I noticed him for several reasons; one, he was the only non Black in the vicinity and two, he was carrying a rather expensive looking camera and clicking away (see, I know he was Chinese). I was debating on whether to warn him about the danger zone when an unscrupulous fellow came from nowhere and grabbed his camera, taking off at a very high speed.

Oooh…how I had seen that one coming! I took a deep breadth, readying myself to shout ‘mwizi’, when the most amazing thing happened; the China man flew, and I mean, he flew like a bird! His feet were not touching the ground (I must insert that I have a bad eye sight so there is room for error). His offender was a tall man by any standards and obviously used to running for his life, the China man, not more than 4 feet, I tell you. The China man did a ‘0 to 60’ in 5 seconds flat. This is no exaggeration!

Things happened so fast I could not, even if I wanted, describe in detail, but within 20 seconds, there were 4 bloody men on the ground, the China man, just like in the movies, had one foot on top of the main offender’s chest, and he had his camera. All intact!

Where did the other 3 men come from? I hear you ask. Well, obviously, the thief had back-up, and they had tried to save their friend. Even they did not know what had hit them, a fact confirmed by how they looked around, bloody faces and confused and dazed eyes!

Whenever one of the tried to get up, he would get a kick straight from a Jackie Chan movie. The China man kept speaking in a strange tongue (tehehee), obviously very agitated, wagging his finger at the 4 more. We all guessed he was reprimanding the 4 sinners on the floor.

By this time, a crowd, that included yours truly, had gathered, and we were all clapping for the China man. A few minutes later, the cops led the limping offenders away.

At that point, I really wished I was Chinese! Honest. I thought abut all those times I could have sorted several thugs in 10 seconds or less, just like the China man, then I realized I only had myself to blame – not because I am not Chinese, that one I blame my parents, but because, when I was in college, I took martial arts.

Yes I did you doubting Thomases!

I am officially a brown belt and I should be able to kick a lot of people’s ass silly. Only problem is, I have not been to a karate gym in more than 10 years, and the other day I tried to do a high kick and only succeeded in looking totally ridiculous and landing flat on my tush! It hurt, and it was not attractive!

My instructor was the gentlest of souls, a man called Mwangi, and stood only up to my chest (when you are training, you tend to stand very close to your instructor so get your mind off the gutter). I was his best female student, and I suppose he would be really disappointed I wasted my talent.

I might not be so young and agile anymore, but I guess, if I started training again, I could save my smart phone.

Haiya!